February 18, 2009

Sooooo, don't buy snacks from gas stations in rich people neighborhoods

About three years ago I landed a pretty sweet gig tutoring rich kids. Lots of money...they work with my hours. Sweet. Well, I was on my way to one of my jobs and I stopped at a gas station to get some snacks. It was one of those gas stations that looks corporate on the outside, but on the inside smells like weird cleaner and all of the food is generic and near expiration and dusty!? Seriously, does Chevron dust their snack foods?... do you know what I'm talking about?

I walked in and the guy behind the counter was SUUUPER friendly. He had huge fake teeth and was all sorts of bending over backwards to help me. "Are you working hard today?" Is what he asked me when I headed for the counter. The question caught me off guard, I don't think anyone has asked me that when I'm not at work. I made some lamewad remark and motioned to put my food on the counter. This is where it gets crazy...

I was about 4 steps away, not even TO the counter, when he leaned to the right in the direction of the cash register, pushed some buttons all fast and then straightened up to face me again. At first I figured he was doing something with the gas pumps, but then he whipped my card out of my hand and before I knew it he was telling me the yellow copy was mine. I seriously frickin' blinked and the transaction was over. He rang the food before I even got to the counter and ran the card before I even knew what was happening. I'll admit, I was impressed! I thought, "damn! This guy really knows his stuff! How did he even know what food I had in my hand."

I got into my car feeling pretty much like I went through a revolving door and my hair was still whipping around my face. I had that downward, thoughtful smile that you get when someone surprises you with their talents and you think "Huh, God really does bestow different gifts and talents on everyone." It's a moment of enlightenment...when God makes everything clear for ... WAIT! WTH!? $4.57 for two crummy snacks?!?

I was WRONG...That guy was not good at his job, he was GREAT at it. He was on par with those guys in New York who walk around with the cups and the walnut and ask tourists to "find the nut find the nut" while they move the cups in figure 8's around faster than you can see and use slimy slide of hand tricks making it impossible to win any money. Here's the receipt:

You can't see it, but the two prices are $1.08 and $3.49.

This is what I bought (objects may appear larger than they are):

The cracker jacks should be $1.08... but the peanuts, which btw are neither sweet nor salty, they're JUST frickin' peanuts, had the price on the bag and they were $1.67.... PSH!

This guy ripped me off! Now, before you call me cheap, hear me out. My tab should have been $2.75. That means he overcharged me by $1.82....which is like 66%! If my bill would have been $275....he would have charged me $182 more!? SERIOUSLY!

Whatever. It wasn't even worth going back in for the few dollars, so I just left. And that's exactly when I realized the genius of his plan. He woo's us with his speed and seemingly chipper disposition, then expects us to drive away if we realize his "mistake" . He set up shop in just the right place. It's a neighborhood where people don't check receipts under $200.... Very Smart. He's like the Houdini of the gas station world, so it's only appropriate that his store be named accordingly...

February 16, 2009

70 Hour Work Week in the Cuuuuuntry

Upon leaving my final shift on Saturday, through unadulterated sobs, I asked M&M (my fiance) to add up the hours that I worked. 70. 70 hours, 4,200 minutes, or 252,o00 seconds of WOOOORK. Why so many hours? Good question... I decided to whore myself out to every opportunity for extra cash and it ALL came in one week. The final waitressing shift on Saturday was the piece of kindling that snapped my spine like twig. The cherry on my Headache Sundae was the engagement pictures scheduled for the Sunday at the end of my MURDEROUS week.


So, I'm not sure if I've ever told you about the city I work in. It's a Cuuuuuuntry town and in the words of reading rainbow, you don't have to take my word for it....

Exhibit A: These are pocket knives on sale for $7 at the local gas station that has a connecting door with Grandy's....

Exhibit B: In the plastic cases, there are watches for sale at the same gas station. :) These watches are blingin. Also, there are fancy rings... All for under $20...Christmas is coming.

Exhibit C: That is a Dorrito Purse. I can't talk about what's wrong with this...

In the city I work in, there's a Subway. And a Dairy Queen. And a Grandy's. The nearest grocery store is 15 minutes on the highway. But we have 2 dollar stores. Seriously.

Ok, enough... Among other fabulocities on Valentine's Day, my fiance did this for me on the driveway.. heeee. :)

That is why no post.

February 06, 2009

Hey, wedding planning.... BITE ME!!!!

A hundred phone calls and e-mails and hours later.... and there are NO churches near my venue for under $2000. I SAID TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS AND THAT WAS THE CHEAP, NOT AS BEAUTIFUL ONE. Screw you and the stained glass windows you rode in on, pretty churches with convenient locations for my guests! With big, oak (is here any other wood?) doors with the rot iron handles that look like castles. There is NO way on God's blessed earth I am spending $2000 to spend 20 minutes in your building. That's $100/min...$1.50/second, you suck! The one I dream of is $4500, may God strike me if I'm lying.

I hate plans. I'm not a list person-- wait-- I'm a list person that doesn't complete tasks in order and loses the list before the day is through. My classroom lesson plans are main ideas with some strategies and a whole lot of flying around the room by the seat of my pants. There's just no time for silly lists!! I'm too busy doing stuff I was supposed to do two weeks ago, dummy! Ya know what I think it is? I hate waiting. Whenever I REALLY plan something out, I end up getting there way early and I have to sit in the waiting room... or sit in my car... or twiddle my thumbs. So I put things off until the LAST minute. I work better under pressure.

Ok, so the wedding is almost exactly 6 months away and I have booked the venue and......and nothing. Nothing else is done. Tomorrow are the engagement pics.

In closing I would like to say; Wedding planning...

I hope you stub your toe on the way to the bathroom at 2am and it hurts so much it wakes you up and then you can't got back to sleep until 30 minutes before your alarm. I hope your neighbors have a huge deciduous tree that loses it's leaves in your yard every year. I hope you get your Sunday paper stolen just often enough to be annoying. I hope you ALWAYS get the wobbly wheeled cart with string in the wheel at the grocery store. I hope you spill coffee on your khaki pants before an interview. I hope you get the gas pump that's out on a cold day and have to move your car. I hope you pick the slow lane at the bank....

I hope you get pink eye.

February 04, 2009

To the LAME WAD who stole my paper.

Dear Persons Responsible,

Printing 50 copies of the "Find the Tone Words word search By Ronnie, Haley, and Justin," and not coming with paper to the printer in the teachers' lounge to get them, could be considered laaaaaaaaaaame (say that in slow motion for effect)

Something else that could be considered laaaaaaaame is an innocent person printing to said printer at 7:21pm, just to realize they didn't have enough paper....TWICE (seriously I had to go get paper twice, ya'll- say that like Britney Spears cause I'm in the mood for that.) Then they stole some paper from Mrs. K's room just to finish the ridiculous print job. (PS Mrs. K, I borrowed paper)

Sincerely Yours,
School Paper Lender Extraordinaire

PS You owe me 50 pieces of paper, you know, like, whenever..... :)

February 02, 2009

Smell Schmell! Taste or do not taste, there is no try...

So.... I'm sick.

And gross.

And headachy.

And tired.

And I almost passed out in the shower this morning.

And. And. And. And. And. You mean that tasteless gunk I stuff my mouth with?? BGLHSLGHSLGHHGLSH

I had a really fun post about someone else's post about purses, but I am siiiick today and stayed home for another nonsense do nothing all day kind of a day! Oh, I went to the store to buy cough drops.

So due to the recently discovered fact that my life borders on shamefully boring and lame, I'll post these pictures of my God-Dog...

'Cause yeeeaaaah, once you see him, you'll completely understand and stop looking at me like "who the hell has a god dog"!!!

Meet....... Tobias à la ObiWan:

Seriously, right!! The beard!?!? The towel that makes him look like something out of Star Wars even though I've never seen it (no hate mail...It's kind of my thing now to say that I"ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies... You're just gonna have to let this one go)!! Psha!!!

Back story.....

We dog sat for some friends and fell IN LOVE with their Mini Schnauzer. We are now God Parents and will be purchasing Tobias' twin brother after we get the house and settle in.

Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say Tobias "hates" bathtime, but he's so totally on the opposite of fond....

And don't EVEN say he's not the cutest... 'cause

"B!$@h!!! I'll cut you!" (I'm 99.9% certain he's talking about female dogs, NOT you.... but there's just no way to tell for certain.)

February 01, 2009


Woke up late...

Posted by ShoZu

January 31, 2009

My heart will go onnnnn annnnnnn donnnnnnn....

Now that I've successfully driven off even the last of my loyal readers and my best friend migraine is in town and has been for TWO DAYS... What better time to hop back on the blog train. ehh?

I guess at this point I'm only writing for me.. and maybe my AMAZING fiance! Yeah, I said it! FIANCE! I'm so totally getting hitched in 6 months I have proof.....

No makeup'd, bedheaded, haven't taken the recycling out (cause it's piled up behind me) proof.

He's all sexy and funny and kind and PERRRRFECT PERFECT PERFCT and I have somehow bamboozled him into spending the rest of his muscly life with me. Score. The proposal was perfect... He took me out on a gondola and surprised me on the water. Love....

Life has been great...

Oh god! i've totally forgotten about the whole reason I've existed for the past 26 27 in May years!

January 5, 2009.

THE most exciting night of my life. So far.

I was "All By Myself" before this....

Had I known how amazing it would be, I would have packed my stuff and "Drove all Night".....

"The Power of Love" can only carry you so far.... wait, what was I saying...

Ok, "It's All Coming Back to Me"...

If I stop and let it, "My heart will go on...."

If you haven't caught on yet...

I saw....(deep breath)...



CELINE FREAKING DION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! She was AMAZING!!!!!

Let me start by saying that She. Is. Flawless. She came out on stage in this glittery, shaaaorrrrt dress and her legs were amazing and she's amazing and I'm getting palpitations thinking about it!

My sister and I snuck into the lower level seats. But we both got really nervous and our stomachs started to feel like we had to go to the bathroom because we didn't want to get caught, so we went back to the nosebleeds....which I'm SO glad we did. The jumbotron made it feel like we were RIGHT there! Her voice is PITCH perfect and she's so great!

When we went from the lower level seats up to the 300's it felt remarkably like going from upper to lower class. The people in the bottom were wearing fur and heels and really expensive clothes.... the people in the 300's were wearing grocery shopping on a lazy Sunday attire. It looked like a college campus on family night. We fit right in...

I was so excited that I didn't get that many pics... but Here are SOME from the concert:

Makeup sweat off, I swear.....

When it was over, I looked like I ran a marathon..... That's us by the posters...

Here's the crowd leaving...

Celine is totally behind us in that bright light! hee!

Last but not least... here is Celine talking to the crowd, because yeah, she talked to me!