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October 24, 2005

THE POOP CLOTH!

I've just boarded my flight home from Tuscon.

I have a People magazine.

I'm in an aisle seat with NO ONE in the middle

........... WHEN HERE HE COMES.

My Plane-date for the next 2-3 hours of my life.

I am a polite woman and ALWAYS give up the aisle seat for a man thrice my size which this guy was. Just to give you all a good look at what I would be spending the next few hours of my life with, please click the following link and adjust the playback speed to it's fastest: My dream plane-date.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, welcome back.

I will now tell you the horror.

This man would NOT leave me alone!!

After succumbing to the fact that I was NOT going to be reading any time soon, I began what would go down in history as the WORST conversation of all time!

1) He notices that I am white knuckled on the take off, so suggests that we take my mind off of things and share our worst plane rides ever. Lovely remedy for someone about to have a panic attack.

HIS STORY: Bad turbulence.

MINE: A fat guy getting toilet paper stuck in his pants.

Now, I thought my story was funny. THis really fat guy gets a note from a steward that tells him he has toilet paper stuck in his pants (TRUE STORY).

Gross Plane Guy (aka plane-date) , however, DOES NOT THINK THIS IS FUNNY.

GPG: THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I cannot believe it!!! He had TOILET PAPER!?! (faces like throwing up in mouth at any moment) Whenever I do PAPERWORK I ALWAYS use a washcloth to wipe!!......

There are 3 major things wrong with this situation...

1) He is talking to me about wiping his BUTT.
2) He calls a #2, "paperwork"
3) I think he shaves his legs.

What GPG does next is unacceptable and I would not be shy to call it the worst thing imaginable.

(GPG reaches down to his fanny pack .........unzips slowly............and shows me a zip lock baggy with a terry cloth wash rag.)

GPG: SEE!

OH.....................MY.....................HOLY....................CRAP.

GPG has just shown me................................

HIS BUTT TOWEL!?!?!

AND it's NOT DISPOSABLE!!!!?

To which two questions arise:

1) Am I on candid camera!?
2) What does GPG do with soiled washcloth?

The rest of the plane ride was filled with lovely little nuggets about GPG.

GPG is a stripper.

GPG Owns an "escort" service that evil Tuscon is forever trying to destroy. "I don't hire prostitutes!" he said, "But, Hey, things happen, you know!?"

Yes, GPG, I do know. Terrible, horrible things happen. The nerve.

I find out GPG can't read too well.

I find out GPG's marriage has had it's ups and downs.

I find out that GPG's step-son watches MTV and farts in front of the television. To WHICH GPG STRONGLY DETESTS. "GO TO THE BATHROOM!?" I don't think it would be a stretch to say that GPG had a bad experience with poop.

I also find out that GPG is not so great at driving in snow and almost killed 6 of his co-chip'n'dalesers.

I was his therapist for the duration of the flight nad I am forever scarred.

MORAL OF THE STORY.

NEVER TRUST A MAN WITH A FANNY PACK! NEVER!

40 comments:

Marel Lecone said...

This is totally worse than turbulence!! Poor thing!

Amy said...

what is wrong with him? this would ONLY happen to you!!!haha

Billy said...

Absolutely amazing.............the folks you get stuck with:) Oh well this works out great for all your blog fans!

He showed you his buttkerchief I am dieing. I can't even stand handkerciefs and your plane date has a buttkerchief!

MG said...

Dunno what to say HG. My heart goes out to you on this one.

Dave said...

How horrible for you...how awesome for us.

Great story.

Bek said...

i agree dave, i couldn't stop laughing on the buttkerchief.

TheMartins said...

OH...MY...GOSH!!! That is the most horrifing exp. I have ever heard! Did he give you a business card? ... That way when you go to therapy you know the number to call to send the bill. ;o)

Great descriptive story!

mmsprig said...

When i first saw that title...I was not sure I wanted to read it. THAT was funny. My humor at your expense. THANKS!! BTW...did he say where he buys the poop rags? I was thinking......

Jared Kirk said...

I am laughing out loud here. And Billy: right on with the buttkercheif, that is just nasty.

stan said...

I think the only thing that could have been worse would be if he got up and started swinging a fake sword around with sound effects.

Or, possibly, that could have been the best thing ever.

Humor Girl said...

Stan- He WAS twisting from side to side in the aisle to pop his back...IF that counts! lol

Billy- Buttkercheif!! PRICELESS!! lol

allison said...

you might need to see a therapist after that mentally and emotionally damaging plane ride.

kudos to you for keeping your cool.

whoiam said...

i thought only stuff like that happened to me....i would have given my youngest child to see the expression on your face when he pulled out the buttkerchief....and i don't even know you....

great stuff.....

FreeThinker said...

What a high-flying nightmare!

OK, OK, I get the message about fanny packs. I have one, and I only wear it when running, and even then, it's hidden under my shorts so it does not show or jiggle. Hey, what else can a runner do to carry things while running?

Jaime said...

First of all - fanny packs... just wrong. Very, very wrong. There should've been a "fanny pack recall".
Second - he wipes his ass with a washcloth?!? And he SHOWED it to you? What?? I think the next time something this bizarre happens to you, you must take pictures. I can't even fathom the days of cloth diapers b/c of the whole "putting #2 in your washing machine" thing. Wow.

Heather said...

I was laughing hysterically at the drawing and I thought, this story couldn’t get any better. THEN you go and tell us about the butt towel. OMG!!!!!! I can’t believe it!!!!

Leesa said...

Oh my..that is hilarious and horrible!! Great drawing!

KV said...

LOL

Linguist-in-Waiting said...

Unglaublich! Hehe! Great painting by the way...

Ida Marie said...

That is hysterical. I can't imagine having to sit next to that guy for an entire flight. Very funny.

rcm said...

And I thought events in my life were random; THAT is random, and I think its safe to say no one else will be experiencing that anytime soon. I wish you luck on your recovery!

Kristen said...

this is so wrong on so many levels. I would have contemplated killing myself. Was killing him an option?

psquared said...

Love this story.

As a frequent flyer may I offer some advice?

Never travel with out head phones. Put them on as soon as you hit the seat – if a cute person sits next to you, you can always take them off. I a gross person sits down, you can’t put them on fast enough. (You don’t have to plug them into anything; they just have to look like you are jamming.) Get them right back on once the airline attendant says that it is alright to put them on.

Never drink the water on a plane. Bring your own bottle. Yes, they serve bottled water on the plane with ice. But you don’t know where the ice has been. Most bags are broken on the hard floor in front of the bathroom.

Always bring three distractions. For me, a book, my mp3 player, and laptop will last me days. For others it is knitting, for some it is cards, others magazines. I find newspapers and magazines don’t last long enough but take up lots of space.

Always say “please” and “thank you” with a big smile to airline attendants. They have hard jobs that get tougher each day. If you can stand out as the nice person – they are more likely to treat you very well.

Again – love this stinky story.

midwest_hick said...

lol....What a way to end a trip huh?

MarylandMommy said...

What a great story! Thanks for making me laugh!!!!!

Dave said...

I just figured out who this guy was...Here he is.

Melissa H said...

ROFL!

I agree with Dave; sounds like Tony Little to me.

That is one of the funniest stories I've heard (read?) in a while. Sorry you had to experience it, but thanks so much for sharing it!!

Muley said...

Whoever your travel agent is, they are out to get you. They should be fired...no, better yet, suffocated with a poop towel.

If I ever see you on a plane, no offense, but I'm not sitting next to you for the fear of who would be in the third seat with us! You seem to attract some wonderful seat mates, Humor Girl.

KV said...

Where are the pix from your trip?

Wounds said...

Tell me this really didn't happen! Cuz if it did, this would be the funniest think ever.....I'm going to start using the phrase "paperwork" muhahahaha

Rick said...

read this out loud to my wife last night - made her cry. i think she's still giggling, probably hurting herself thinking of that used poop cloth... dang.

Jocelyn said...

Oh my.. that is the funniest thing ever. I was laughing so hard I'm crying.

Anonymous said...

(from Jocelyn's friend Lauren)
You are my hero. I would have gotten sick or something. Or faked a seizure to be seated elsewhere. wow. you know, you could put that on your resume: nerves of steel, calm in the face of poopcloth.

Renee said...

I laughed so hard i think i peed a little!!LOLOL

beingrealguy said...

Oh man...that is the funniest story I have heard in awhile. Thanks for sharing.

PresentStorm said...

LMAO that IS the funniest story I have ever heard ...Man it takes allkinds doesn't it .How you kept your cool in that situation is amazing to me ..I would have lost it .

ben.run said...

Just be thankful your flight wasn't to New Zealand, then it would habe been 12 hours with GPG!!!!
I must say this has never happened to me on any flight. I obviously give off an aura of "leave me alone" :-)

Ben.

loved truly said...

Oh my....I am rolling. I think I would have had to ask for another seat.

Raisa said...

I bet that was a one in a life time experience..haha..that is the funniest thing I think I have ever read!! lol, especially the butt cloth!!! LOL...my sides are hurting now.

Karla said...

Oh wow. HG, that story was positively hilarious! Seriously, where DO you find these crazies?