I've just boarded my flight home from Tuscon.
I have a People magazine.
I'm in an aisle seat with NO ONE in the middle
........... WHEN HERE HE COMES.
My Plane-date for the next 2-3 hours of my life.
I am a polite woman and ALWAYS give up the aisle seat for a man thrice my size which this guy was. Just to give you all a good look at what I would be spending the next few hours of my life with, please click the following link and adjust the playback speed to it's fastest: My dream plane-date.
So, welcome back.
I will now tell you the horror.
This man would NOT leave me alone!!
After succumbing to the fact that I was NOT going to be reading any time soon, I began what would go down in history as the WORST conversation of all time!
1) He notices that I am white knuckled on the take off, so suggests that we take my mind off of things and share our worst plane rides ever. Lovely remedy for someone about to have a panic attack.
HIS STORY: Bad turbulence.
MINE: A fat guy getting toilet paper stuck in his pants.
Now, I thought my story was funny. THis really fat guy gets a note from a steward that tells him he has toilet paper stuck in his pants (TRUE STORY).
Gross Plane Guy (aka plane-date) , however, DOES NOT THINK THIS IS FUNNY.
GPG: THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I cannot believe it!!! He had TOILET PAPER!?! (faces like throwing up in mouth at any moment) Whenever I do PAPERWORK I ALWAYS use a washcloth to wipe!!......
There are 3 major things wrong with this situation...
1) He is talking to me about wiping his BUTT.
2) He calls a #2, "paperwork"
3) I think he shaves his legs.
What GPG does next is unacceptable and I would not be shy to call it the worst thing imaginable.
(GPG reaches down to his fanny pack .........unzips slowly............and shows me a zip lock baggy with a terry cloth wash rag.)
GPG has just shown me................................
HIS BUTT TOWEL!?!?!
AND it's NOT DISPOSABLE!!!!?
To which two questions arise:
1) Am I on candid camera!?
2) What does GPG do with soiled washcloth?
The rest of the plane ride was filled with lovely little nuggets about GPG.
GPG is a stripper.
GPG Owns an "escort" service that evil Tuscon is forever trying to destroy. "I don't hire prostitutes!" he said, "But, Hey, things happen, you know!?"
Yes, GPG, I do know. Terrible, horrible things happen. The nerve.
I find out GPG can't read too well.
I find out GPG's marriage has had it's ups and downs.
I find out that GPG's step-son watches MTV and farts in front of the television. To WHICH GPG STRONGLY DETESTS. "GO TO THE BATHROOM!?" I don't think it would be a stretch to say that GPG had a bad experience with poop.
I also find out that GPG is not so great at driving in snow and almost killed 6 of his co-chip'n'dalesers.
I was his therapist for the duration of the flight nad I am forever scarred.
MORAL OF THE STORY.
NEVER TRUST A MAN WITH A FANNY PACK! NEVER!