Is it necessary to have a "near death" experience to bring you to God? For me?..Apperantly so. I have been a believer for about 2 years now, and it has taken me this panic ridden afternoon to bring my desire to serve him. What a sad truth.
I am a compulsive dieter. Do I think this is why I had a panic attack? Not sure. I just felt the desire to state that for you and myself. Sort of like my first step. The thoughts have been running through my head, "I'm not ready to die...My life has not been lived yet" When it dawned on me. I am better off dead. Now, before you start calling the help-lines and directing them on the path to my blog, i feel I should explain to yoiu what I mean by better off dead. I am living my life for me and it is getting me NOWHERE. I don't understand why I am consumed with Hollywood. This is satan at his best. I have completely turned away from God on my quest to have the perfect figure.
I felt like crap all afternoon, like I'd just had a night of heavy drinking. It was my third morning waking up from Ambien, and I chalked my grogginess up to catching up on sleep. About 530pm, our boss was saying his last few words of a work meeting, and I called out to everyone that I was going to pass out. My head buzzed with adrenaline while my mind played over the next weeks newspaper headlines:
"Young Girl Drops Dead at Work"
"Too young to die of a Heart Attack...what was Wrong?"
I was sure I was dying....and there was nothing anyone could do. I wanted an ambulance...I wanted a doctor.... I wanted someone to tell me I was ok. In no shape to work, my boss sent me home. This was after I puked in the office garbage can and had a friend take my pulse for the millionth time. My dad came to get me and I spent the duration of the night in my room contemplating what my life would be if it was over. I pleaded to God that i had so much more to give...but do i? Am I going to waste the rest of my life obsessing over who's too skinny this week? I never want to be that scared again. I want to live my live for Christ more then ever right now, but I don't know how to turn this fear into a healthy consistent love for the lord....
Today starts my journey. I hope I will continue to journal my thougts, ideas, and experiences this far with all of you. My life has been so full ....but so empty.This is my quest to find my life. And here is my journey to a Christ Centered life.