June 18, 2005

SCALES-R-US: "I'll take one Lo-Carb-Psuedo-Christian with a side of Panic Disorders, please."

Is it necessary to have a "near death" experience to bring you to God? For me?..Apperantly so. I have been a believer for about 2 years now, and it has taken me this panic ridden afternoon to bring my desire to serve him. What a sad truth.

I am a compulsive dieter. Do I think this is why I had a panic attack? Not sure. I just felt the desire to state that for you and myself. Sort of like my first step. The thoughts have been running through my head, "I'm not ready to die...My life has not been lived yet" When it dawned on me. I am better off dead. Now, before you start calling the help-lines and directing them on the path to my blog, i feel I should explain to yoiu what I mean by better off dead. I am living my life for me and it is getting me NOWHERE. I don't understand why I am consumed with Hollywood. This is satan at his best. I have completely turned away from God on my quest to have the perfect figure.

I felt like crap all afternoon, like I'd just had a night of heavy drinking. It was my third morning waking up from Ambien, and I chalked my grogginess up to catching up on sleep. About 530pm, our boss was saying his last few words of a work meeting, and I called out to everyone that I was going to pass out. My head buzzed with adrenaline while my mind played over the next weeks newspaper headlines:

"Young Girl Drops Dead at Work"
"Too young to die of a Heart Attack...what was Wrong?"

I was sure I was dying....and there was nothing anyone could do. I wanted an ambulance...I wanted a doctor.... I wanted someone to tell me I was ok. In no shape to work, my boss sent me home. This was after I puked in the office garbage can and had a friend take my pulse for the millionth time. My dad came to get me and I spent the duration of the night in my room contemplating what my life would be if it was over. I pleaded to God that i had so much more to give...but do i? Am I going to waste the rest of my life obsessing over who's too skinny this week? I never want to be that scared again. I want to live my live for Christ more then ever right now, but I don't know how to turn this fear into a healthy consistent love for the lord....

Today starts my journey. I hope I will continue to journal my thougts, ideas, and experiences this far with all of you. My life has been so full ....but so empty.This is my quest to find my life. And here is my journey to a Christ Centered life.


Dana said...

My husband was on Ambien briefly and had a really bad experience with it. It was so bad that the doctors took him off it. He said it made him feel like he was tripping.

Lori said...

Hi Jen!
Thanks for your kind comments on my site. I appreciate the honesty of your post here. One of the hardest things for us to understand as Christians is that our Father sees us perfect already. We only see our failings & defects.
My prayer for you is that Jesus will help you begin to see yourself through the eyes of a loving God, & that you won't judge yourself by worldly standards that change on a whim. (Remember, during the 1800's, big was beautiful!)
Be blessed & I will be praying for you!

Rick said...

good stuff - surfed over thru my brother's site ( like your writing style - humor with meaning. thanks for jumping on the bandwagon!

Dylan said...

Eh, this is nothing... You could be hooked on SPEED!!!!!

Sheri said...

Everyone I know who has taken Ambien has had some pretty major side fact none of them take it anymore the side effects were so scary.

Memphis Steve said...

I don't know anything about Ambien, but I understand the rest of what you're saying. There are a lot of other Christians on the blog. Just from my blogroll alone I know that Porkchop and all of her sisters are and Elisabeth in Atlanta is, and believe it or not I am. The Wandering Mind is. Hmm, who else?

Anyway, you're not alone. I don't know if this helps any, but my coffee is wearing off and I am starting to fade.

TheMartins said...

I was very touched with your story and your journey. I too have been on the quest for the "perfect body" and thought I had found when I was 20 but a short time later became pregnant with my perfect lil girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I had a small eating disorder before and with the help from God and me still trying to "feel healthy" I know I can get there.

I guess the point to this ramble is that you will be able to find yourself and will definitely find ways to have you lead for Him. He is great and I am glad to see he has found such a wonderful person. I hope he helps bring much joy and peace to your life. If you need a friend to talk to on your journey I will be glad to be here for you. In the mean and so for I enjoy reading your posts. Again thank you for sharing. God Bless...